If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So vagazzling was a success
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
