what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
