i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
