True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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