Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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