i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
