The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
