Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
