Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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