Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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