i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I want her autograph on my taint
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
