I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize