You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sorry about my life...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
