it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Still dying that you shit outside
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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