You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
