I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize