I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
