6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
