My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
