I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
