so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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