Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
