ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
