We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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