Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize