I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
