i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
