i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
