I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
