i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
