She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
