They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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