and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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