This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize