I puked a lego.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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