dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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