Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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