Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think my nap took me to another dimension
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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