I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
this just has baby written all over it
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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