theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
