you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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