doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
