Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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