So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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