he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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