the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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