cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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