On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
