I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
