my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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