I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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