Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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