I accidentally had phone sex last night
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
