Your mouth is God's brothel.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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