Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
