I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
