there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
