ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize