I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
