My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You're like the curious george of whores
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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