yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
