did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
