I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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