Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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